~ Where the Sun Will Never Set on Our liberty ~
Right now, you are probably asking yourself ...
what are the newer jokes being circulated in the joke-a-sphere?
My apologies for any repeats ...
(at the eye doctor)
Doctor: Read the lowest line you can.
Me: Made in China.
She Said: My ex boyfriend was a real treasure...
.. and by treasure, I mean you'll need a map and shovel to find the cheating b*stard.
The way my dog acts, you'd think their entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
When a waiter warns me that a plate is hot, I take their hand in mine, and with teary eyes, I say, "You... You care about me"
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think... in a deeper voice." -Bill Cosby
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll take your beer and disappear on weekends.
Give an octopus nunchucks, and no-one's eating fish ever again.
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I'm not fat. I'm a panda.
The first 70 years of childhood are always the hardest.
If the earth is the third planet from the sun, wouldn't that make every country a third world country?
RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the four wheel off road vehicles ran over their roots and made an intolerable noise while knocking leaves off poor trees everywhere !
Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
BF - hey, babe.. i'm in the hospital. i got my leg injured at work and Paula brought me here. Doctors say i might lose my leg.
GF- who's Paula!
Washington DC? I think that is what happens to people when they were not spanked when they were young and instead everyone got trophies for just participating.
Most People Want Money or Fame or some other stuff....
...I Just Want A Burger That Looks Like The Ones In Commercials.
Spiderman writes on a skyscraper
"Batman is pathetic."
Next day,Batman writes on the empire state building-
. "Spiderman is PETER PARKER"
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Frosted Flakes from a cup with a knife?
Being a chaperone at a youth camp has some high expectations.... You can have 8 kids make it back but everyone focuses on the 2 that didn't.
Heck yes, I was naughty this year! And, it was worth it, you fat, judgmental **@@*&* !!
And once again, the big item on eBAY is Santa again auctioning off his list of naughty girls and boys to the highest bidder.
This is unbelievable!! Christmas is 364 days away and my neighbors have their Christmas lights on already!!
China sent a rover to the moon on an exploration mission...
...for a suitable buffet location.
Then she said: My boyfriend told me that he'd like to die while making love.
At least we know it'll be quick.
The meaning of the universe? The book grouping "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" gave that answer as "42". The Hithikers then built a larger computer to figure out "The Question of the Universe". And of course, Now, we have a science article that says the answer to the universe is in fact..... 42.
There is a rumor that Tony Romo, quarterback for Dallas Cowboys, may next season have a job with the CIA. The CIA thinks he might be the most likely to overthrow the Castros. In fact, they think he might overthrow the entire island of Cuba.
Dentist: So what are your plans for New Years?
Me: GSSGRRAFGRSV GDSGFSDFASF FAFFFYSSFFFXD.
Dentist: Sounds like fun!
You know what I got for Christmas?
FAT. I GOT FAT.
Miley Cyrus is going to star in a new movie. The movie is about an ancient hero who can destroy civilizations, but in her case, by dancing. Yes, it is called, yes, you guessed it...... "Twerkulies".
Teacher: What is the outside of a tree called?
Boy: I don't know.
Teacher: Bark, my child, bark.
Boy: Bow, wow, wow!
Say what you want about Captain Hook...
But he ran that whole pirate operation singlehandedly.
"I wanted to teach my cat English. But when I tried, instead she just asked "Me? How?"
"If you don't believe in yourself, no one will"
- Loch Ness Monster
Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Then she said:
My 5 year old son is glued to the TV....
It's hilarious, I've also superglued the dog to the window.
Bored?.... Pause outside restaurants and briefly press a sign to the window: "He spiked your drink when you were in the restroom"
Friend: Hey, can I have a Q-tip.
Me: Sure, Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet and is commonly used with the letter U following it...
Maybe if you pulled up your pants, you'll be able you run away from the cops.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
WHERE ALL DA HOES AT!!!
I yelled as I walked into Home Depot.
Judge: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again?
Criminal: I told the cops that, but they just wouldn't listen.
Zombie-tology - a new cult
Believes everyone used to be zombies,
....and there was a human apocalypse
I'm small, I even shop in the petite section of the Oversized Ogres store. Its true. Just ask Fiona who works there.