~ Where the Sun Will Never Set on Our liberty ~
Pessimist: There are ants in my pizza.
Optimist: Aw yea free ants.
Bear: There's a pizza in my ants.
Fast way to ruin someone's Knock Knock joke?
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I’ve got to say that I’m pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn't one of them.
We ALL remember our first crush. Mine was Orange.
crastination. I'll put the "pro" in it later.
Vampire Lover: You're white and you suck up blood. I know what ....YOU.... are
Edward: Say it.... ..SAY IT OUT LOUD !! Vampire Lover: You're a tampon
Confucius says: "He who throws mud loses ground".
Dog: "I offer my master my favorite toy as a token of affection and friendship"
What does he do? He fricking throws it.!!
I hate people who say age is just a number. Age is clearly a word.
My fan has three settings.
1. Very slow 2.Slow 3.Im going to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak accident
The best part of graduation is watching people try to pronounce the names of students who come from countries where words don't need vowels.
Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl.
They say nothing rhymes with orange... Lies! "nothing" and "orange" don't rhyme at all
Cop: You know why I pulled you over? Lady: Yes, Sir, and I'm flattered, but I'm a married woman.
"Must you really lick the knife?" "Sorry, force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though don't they?"
"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor".
Microwave: (noun). A polite hand gesture used by midgets or dwarves as a form of greeting or farewell
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering.
98% of them said: ''How the **@! did you get in here?!''